Tourist trap

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Norwich City are hoping to travel back to the Premier League in 2017. The relegated club’s new retro-inspired third kit seems like perfect visitor garb however might be a tad out-of-place come the notorious British winter time.

No stoking

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The Scottish football season is almost at an end however fans in Glasgow (in particular) are already pumped-up for following fixtures. Celtic rid themselves of Ronny, replacing the Norwegian with former Red, Brendan Rodgers. On the other side of the city, Mark Warburton finally raised Rangers to the top flight however was left feeling flat after failing to cut down Alan Stubbs’s Hibernian in the cup final. The game ended 3-2 to the Hibees with a realistic reenactment of a Lord of the Rings battle after the final whistle. The bell will be rung for the last time on Sunday with Kilmarnock and Falkirk duking it out for the right to fight the Glasgow giants next time around.

Yes, We Kan-te

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If you are just waking up from a coma, firstly congratulations on that, however you are no doubt terrified that something very wrong has happened during your extended nap given the news in Leicester. The previously relegation-threatened Foxes have sent the football world into bedlam by bizarrely winning the English Premier League, thanks largely in part to the rise to fame of Riyad Mahrez, Jamie Vardy and N’Golo Kante.

United catch a rash

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Two goals to rescue the tie against Midtjylland and another two smashers over old-foes Arsenal has made the football world sit up and take notice of Manchester United’s rising star Marcus Rashford. Normally Red Devil’s manager Louis van Gaal is so motionless during games onlookers would be forgiven for thinking the Dutchman had fallen asleep however a freekick awarded in the Gunner’s favour stirred the “horny” one into action. Spectators cheered as Van Gaal comically fell to the ground at the feet of the fourth official in protest to perceived simulation by Arsenal players.

Reds ragdolled

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Despite battling back unlucky Liverpool were defeated on penalties versus Mansour’s Manchester City in the Capital One Cup final. Fans felt monumental-man-of-the-moment Yaya Toure was fortunate not to see red after a wrecking ball of a tackle and laughably lifting a furious Adam Lallana like a teething toddler.

Lions flailed

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Aston Villa remain dead last in the Premiership wacky races with only one win in their last twenty-three attempts. Remi Garde’s men waved goodbye to any chance of bagging the three points with Jordan Ayew’s dismissal for a violent use of the arm on Aaron Cresswell. Goals by Michail Antonio and Cheikhou ‘towering tube man’ Kouyate keep the Hammer’s hopes of European qualification alive.

Blues brothers

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An early bath for Per Mertesacker washed away any hopes of an Arsenal victory over a resurgent Chelsea side on Sunday. Forward Olivier Giroud was unwillingly sacrificed as a result and the final nail was hammered into the Gunner’s coffin by the dastardly Diego Costa.

Burning down the house

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The on-fire Foxes continue to surpass everybody’s expectations and are still sitting on top of the Premiership pile in the run into Christmas. Jamie Vardy has became a firm favourite among pundits however the skillful Riyad Mahrez is determined to be noticed. A devastating curling effort versus Chelsea and a deadly accurate assist ensured the Algerian was the toast of the town.

Flamini’s Flubber

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It’s rare to read a positive news story regarding footballers away from the pitch so reports that Mathieu Flamini could have helped to invent a revolutionary source of energy is a most welcome one. The Arsenal midfielder invested in Italian company GFBiochemicals during his time in Milan which has recently made a major breakthrough. The player says the new market could potentially be worth up to £20bn.

V for Vardy

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With the help of his team mates “V” is overwhelmingly overcoming oppressive Premiership defences with nine goals in his last nine games. Jamie Redknapp claims the forward is a serious contender for the Golden Boot award however most will be reserving judgement until Guy Fawkes or the turn of the year before blowing their load.